Ruba dub dub. I scrubbed the tub. And all the rest of the shower. It hurt me so. It seemed so long and yet it only took one hour.
Okay yeah I know that that sounds pretty corny and that I could've just said that I cleaned my shower today and that I am in pain from all the scrubbing that it took even with using a full spray can of kaboom on the shower. And then having to use the residue to finish cleaning it. But I think that my first way of tell it (corny or not) was the better and cuter way of saying it.
Tomorrow is Sunday. Okay seeing that it's after midnight; today is Sunday. My family will be going to church and worshiping in a place that I don't really feel much like worshiping in these days. Maybe that's why I am sick all the time. Maybe I am sick because I have lost faith.
One of my family members mentioned something about a weight loss surgery that might actually help me lose weight an she thinks that I might actually feel better once that happens. Even though she says that it would help me and I have considered it all many times in my mind but I don't know. My dad thinks that it's because she doesn't want to do it alone but I don't know. I don't know these days.
I have said for months that if you feel good in your skin that it doesn't matter what you look like. And that it only matters if you think that it matters. But this whole weight loss thing is something that I have thought long and hard about. I don't know what to do. I want to lose weight so bad but no matter what I do I never seem to be able to do so. And I can look at something that has sugar in it and its like I gain five pounds. So I went into denial and I quit trying. I ate what I wanted when I wanted and threw caution to the wind when in reality this whole weight thing could kill me. I have lots of problems. I have one kidney to start with. That has always been a problem. Then there's the fact that due to my pscholiosis and history of being in a bad wreck; that say that I have back problems. Then there's the fact that there's diabetes on both sides of the family. I know that if I stay this size that I am going to end up dead because of it and this is what terrifies me into the point where I went into denial.
My mother says that the root of all my problems stems back to my weight. She says that I am so sick all the time because I am morbidly obese. I always got defensive and mad at her. But I now see that she is right. The thing is though. No matter how hard I seem to try; I can't lose weight. And this brings me back to my family members idea of the weight loss surgery. I wonder if that would be one way to save this girls life.
I have been thinking about this for years. But I have never had the courage to talk to my parents about it until now. Because this is something that is actually important. It is something that I have to do. I just don't know how I am going to be able to afford something like this. I think that that is part of what scared me for so long. That and the fact that I have been in denial and refuse to even look in full body mirrors. This is a major problem and I am the only one that can do anything about. Especially if I ever want to live to have children someday. And trust me. That is definitely something that I want. I've wanted children ever since I was a little girl. I just have to figure out how I am goin to be able to do something like this. Okay this is it for now. I am going to hit the sheets. And I'll write some more in a few hours. Thank you for following along. It means a lot that someone would actually read something that I write. Thank you and good night. And always
Expect the Unexpected.